A Random Hat - Act 6

Scene I. (Hat’s crib)

(Enter the Hat, Jaypeg, Corinthismene, and Wilfred, all in army commando attire. Even Wilfred)

Corinthismene.
Ok men! Today is the day we strike the robot menace. With the knowledge I have learned from being captive. We will infiltrate their headquarters!

Hat.
What is our plan of action sir?

Corinthismene. (Refers to map)
Hat! You will trick the guards into killing you, while Jaypeg, Wilfred, and I will sneak in here!

(Points at map)

Hat.
Wa… what!!! I’m not going to die! I'm the hero of this damn play! Without me, there is no title!!!

Corinthismene.
Well of course you wont really die! With this anti death-by-robot suit, you will be perfectly safe!

Hat.
Oh, ok then!

Corinthismene. (Mutters)
It will just hurt a really freaking lot!

Hat.
What was that?

Corinthismene.
N-nothing. Ok Jaypeg. Once inside we must split up! I will advance to the main power source while you become a target for the robots.

Wilfred. (Puffing on a cigar)
I find that your plan to get the Hat and Jaypeg shot is completely unnecessary.

Corinthismene.
Shut up you stupid bird! I make the orders!

Wilfred. (Salutes)
Yes sir Corinthismene sir!

Corinthismene.
That's better. At ease! This is your job Wilfred. You well become yet another target for the robots while I sneak into their power source. There I will summon my feathered rats and destroy their power source with them along with it! Hopefully we can do all of this in only one more scene. Oh, and Wilfred? We don't make anti death-by-robot suits for your size. So you will just have to not get hit! LETS MOVE OUT!

(They leave the Hat’s house and head for that place I was talking about earlier… Exit everyone)

Scene II. (The Robot Headquarters!)

(Enter the Hat, Jaypeg, Wilfred, and of course a whole bunch of robots!)

Corinthismene.
Ok everyone. Remember what you have to do?

Jaypeg.
Yes.

Hat.
Sure.

Wilfred.
Maybe.

Corinthismene.
Ok, lets move out! Hat! GO GO GO!!!

(Hat advances with explosives, blowing up two robot guards. The other guards shoot at him!)

Hat.
Ow, ow, ow!!! Dammit! Owww! Ahh! This hurts!!! Area secure… IACHY BABA!!!

Corinthismene.
Now’s our chance! MOVE!

(Corinthismene, Jaypeg, and Wilfred advance while the Hat screams in agony. They approach a second group of guards)

Corinthismene.
Ok Jaypeg. It is time for you! Go now!

Wilfred.
Uhh. I think you might have to take a look at Jaypeg sir…

Corinthismene.
Dammit!!!

(Corinthismene turns towards Jaypeg, to see that he has at last turned into an owl)

Jaypeg.
Hoo!

Corinthismene.
Well we will just have to live with this. At least those damn robots will have a flying target! FLY JAYPEG!

Jaypeg.
HOO!!!

(Jaypeg the owl makes a valiant effort to draw away the fire. He flies into battle and instantly gets hit by a robot’s beam. He explodes into a could of burning feathers)

Corinthismene.
Ok! Lets go!!!

(She and Wilfred advance towards the center of the building)

Corinthismene.
Ok Wilfred. You know what to do. I would like to take this time to tell you that you are the bravest hunch-backed parrot I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

Wilfred.
Save it! Here goes!

(Wilfred then flies off into the smoke that was once Jaypeg. The smoke clears and Wilfred sees a vast army of robots heading his way)

Wilfred.
SQUAWK! SCREW THIS!!!

(Wilfred flies away and saves himself. Fortunately he draws enough fire away to enable Corinthismene access to the robot power source)

Corinthismene.
Come to me my feathered children!

(All of the feathered rats created by Wilfred and the Black Rat [about 200 million] swarm to Corinthismene and the power source. They devour every bit of it. Without their power source, the robots stop instantly. Hat, still cringing in pain on the ground, realizes that he is no longer being shot and understands that it is because they have won!

Hat.
Woo hoo.

(Exit everyone. Wilfred makes his way back to his girlfriend and they start the process of creating children again. They end up with about seven billion. Everyone is grieved about Jaypeg’s death. He is buried under a tree. From then on the tree starts dying. Corinthismene settles down with a husband and starts a family that rivals Wilfred’s. She has lost her powers to control the feathered rats, so they roam free and destroy everything in their path. Fortunately none of this stuff actually happens because the world blows up. Enter the Crazy Shaving Guy, the Hat, and Pinknoss into the void)

Crazy Shaving Guy.
And now! I will! Shave the HAT! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(Shaves the Hat…)

Pinknoss.
Ahh, Hat! I see many things in your future… New friends… New adventures… New other things!

Hat.
Really? What do you see Pinknoss?

Pinknoss.
A Random Hat Two: Jaypeg’s Return!

Hat.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!