A Random Hat - Act 4

Scene I. (A random city)

(Enter Satan and his girlfriend Brenda; her real name is Bendis, the Thracian Moon goddess. Her cult celebrated her rites with wild orgies.)

Satan.
Brenda! Come back to hell with me! My father Hades will no longer lay his hands on you, for I have killed him! Come back!

Brenda.
Satan, you are a fiend! I do not want to come back to you or to hell!

Satan.
Of course I’m a fiend. I'm Satan, God of the underworld. Everyone who crosses my path is destroyed! I can have anything and any one! No one can control me! And I fear no one! Except my mom…

Brenda.
Go to hell Satan! Go to hell where you belong! Leave me to live among the humans! You will never get me back! And you cannot posses me ever! For I have been in your “sanctuary” and know how you control people. You will never control me ever!

(Enter two mutant slugs and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac with a push lawn mower… The slugs look around for a while. Johnny then attacks the slugs with the lawn mower. They run around Satan for a while. All this happens while Satan and Brenda stare in wonderment… Exit the two mutant slugs and Johnny The Homicidal Maniac chasing after them)

Satan.
Just when I thought this scene couldn’t get any screwier!

Brenda.
It’s no screwier than you are!

Satan.
How would you know that!

Brenda.
I was your bitch remember? No. You wouldn’t! You never remembered anything important!

Satan. (Enraged)
I’M Satan! I am God of the underworld! I have many more important things to remember than you!

Brenda.
I WAS God of the moon! Until I came to you! I had a good living! I could remember everything! And I even had orgies in my name! But that's not the point. YOU SUCK SATAN! I’m leaving you forever!

Satan. (Really pissed off)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

... (ten munites later)...

... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Satan lifts up his right arm towards the sky. He clenches his hand and makes a fist. KA-BOOM! Half of the random city blows up! Enter a random citizen and a mob of frightened people)

Random Citizen.
Run for your lives! The city had blown up! It is a sign from GOD!

Satan.
No its not. I just blew up the city.

Random Citizen.
Oh. (Yells) False alarm everyone! Go back to your homes! No need to panic! It was just Satan… Satan! TO ARMS! Satan is here! ATTACK HIM!

(The random citizen attacks Satan alone. The mob doesn’t seem to have cared that much about what the random citizen was saying. Satan holds up his arm again and POOF! The random citizen blows up)

Satan.
I hate it when I have to do that.

Brenda.
You could never kill some one without whining like a baby afterwards!

Satan.
You hoe; you never killed anyone until you met me. The closest you’ve come to killing is passing STD’s during your mass orgies!

Brenda. (Enraged)
Don’t you EVER call me a hoe! (Slaps Satan in the face drawing blood)

Satan. (Enraged)
I GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE! NO YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR! THIS IS WAR!

(Satan summons his vast army of demented midgets. They wield broad swords and are clad in pink flowers. Brenda calls upon her army of dolphins and platypi. Out of nowhere a midget girl riding a large black kitten appears and then disappears. End of scene)

Scene II. (A random battlefield)

(Enter Satan, Brenda, the midget army, and the army of dolphins and platypi. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac joined the ranks of Brenda. Obviously the mutant slugs (or what was left of them) joined Satan’s side. Then Hitler time warped to the battlefield and also joined Brenda. It doesn’t look like Hitler much enjoyed Hell.)

Satan. (Enraged)
I GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE! NO YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR! THIS IS WAR!

Brenda.
Stupid Satan, you said that already!

Satan.
Oh… Well I mean it!

Brenda.
Yeah, well so do I!

Satan.
Grr! ATTACK MY SATANIC MIDGETS!

(The midgets clad in flowers and wielding herrings advances upon the vast army of dolphins and platypi. The dolphins prepare for the onslaught of midgets while the platypi also advance to meet the midget army. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac takes his trusty lawnmower and runs ahead of the platypi army to lead them into battle. Satan and Brenda position themselves opposite of the battlefield to direct their armies. Hitler sucks so he just shoots himself. Pretty tense ain’t it?)

Brenda.
Satan! I your former girlfriend will modestly discover to yourself that of yourself which you yet know not of. Thou are quite jealous of me, evil Satan: Were I a common goddess, you would have not forgotten that I worshiped thee diligently. But as I being more than mere a moon deity, you forget me, and my love, through constant jealousy!

Satan.
What means this shouting of yours? I do believe that I am not jealous! Old English is crap!

Brenda.
I agree. Old English sucks big hairy monkey butt.

Satan.
Anyway. I ain’t jealous!

Brenda.
Yes huh!

Satan.
Dammit! Keep attacking my devilish midgets in flowers!

Brenda.
Attack my aquatic animal army!

(And so begins the battle. The first real death actually resulted from Hitler shooting himself: Still alive, he toppled over a midget, killing them both. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac quickened his pace and mowed down a row of deadly midgets. He found his slug victims and chopped them up into little gooey bits. The platypi army met the midget army and slaughtered most of them. Then the dolphin army advanced and took down the rest. It only took about five minutes really.)

Satan.
Arrrrggggghhhh!

Brenda.
Oh Satan! You DO care about me!

Satan.
Huh?

Brenda.
Aww! First you blew up half of that random city to get me back! Now you have sacrificed all of your midgets in my honor! You do love me!

Satan. (Confused look)
…Yeah!

Brenda.
Let’s go back to hell and make sweet love!

(Exit everyone including a very confused and blissful Satan. I love happy endings! Sniff sniff)