A Random Hat - Act 1

This play takes place just before lent in a bustling town in the Mid-East called Spork in the Loonerence province, Rome.

Scene I. (A garden)

(Enter Testiklies and the Hat)

Testiklies.
Stand ho! Why come you hither to my garden?

Hat.
I meant no harm to your flowers! (Squints) The sun is bright and I needed shade so that my skin doth not turn more purple and shrivel under its intense rays.

Testiklies.
Be gone! Take thy purplish carcass and leave my premises you filthy albino! Do not show your face near my house or garden again!

Hat.
I am truly grateful for the little shade that I have gotten from your flowery sanctuary. Thank you.

Testiklies. (Kicks the Hat in the face, leaving a red mark that stays for many days.) I said leave! Do not ever come back or even speak to me ever again. I do not wish to be bothered by low-lifes! BE GONE I SAY!

(The Hat flees in a limping run towards the town center. Enter Corinthismene)

Corinthismene.
Testy! You shouldn’t be so mean to people. I know that man. He really is a nice fellow!

Testiklies.
He is scum! You should not associate with men like that. Keep away from him my dear sis. He is bad I say!

(At the town center)

Passerby one.
Hey! You with the bad hat! You have a big red mark on your face, and it looks like a shoe! Ha ha ha! Did some one kick you in the face!? That’s so funny HA Hh….

(Passerby one spontaneously combusts and his ashes fly all over the town square. Jaypeg walks up to the hat.)

Passerby two.
What did you do? GOD, you are psycho! (Blows up also)

Jaypeg.
Hat, Hat, Hat! You need to control your anger. It is not wise to blow up strangers just because they mocked you!

Hat.
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself, I just got this new black powder from China and I have been dying to try it out!

Jaypeg.
Well… I guess that is a reasonable enough excuse. But didn’t your mother tell you to at least keep the explosions out of the public eye?

Hat.
Yes… Sorry. (Looks at feet)

Jaypeg.
It is ok my friend. I am on the way to market to buy another rat to put on my face. Would you like to join me? Maybe I could get two rats at the discount market and you could eat the other one.

Hat.
That would be a good idea. Besides, I have been standing in this place for too long. The shape of that statue has been imprinted on my skin by the radiant sun.

Jaypeg.
Ha HA! So it has, so it has. Do not worry Hat! It looks good on you! 2.

Hat.
Yes, but I was standing between its legs…

Jaypeg. (Changes subject abruptly)
Let us go! The rat farmer’s market closes at five so that the farmers can reach their homes in the fields.

Hat.
Yes.

(The Hat and Jaypeg walk to the rat farmers’ market. Many explosions are heard on the way. End of scene.)

Scene II. (Rat market)

(Enter Testiklies and a deranged parrot keeper named Biggus Dickus.)

Testiklies.
I tell you. The poor are littering the streets. A noble man such as I should not have to shoo the scum away so often. Just this morning I had to send a purplish fellow with a bad hat away from my garden. MY GARDEN! My slaves worked for months to get it just right! I can’t have a homeless albino messing up my flower scheme.

(A random girl falls down the stairs in the background, gets up, calmly brushes herself off, and is about to walk away un-hurt but she trips on a drunk hobo and splits her arm open.)

Biggus Dickus.
Yes, I know what you mean. (Strokes his hunched-back parrot). I have also seen that man running the streets naked on Sunday mornings. Yes… (Strokes parrot harder). The government should enroll more prefects to exterminate men like that. Yes… (Strokes parrot even harder). We taxpayers should not have to deal with these folks while our money is feeding those lazy law enforcers. (Strokes the hunched-back parrot really hard and fast. The hunched-back parrot squawks) yes… my pet.

Testiklies.
You are quite right Biggus. Hey! Look! There is the purple fellow now! Walking with that man with the ugly growth of hair on his face. They are looking at rats at the rat market. I should call a prefect to take him away!

Biggus Dickus.
No! Wait! I have a better plan. I will send Wilfred here to retrieve that man’s ugly hat. Wilfred will do anything for papa won’t you Wilfred?

Wilfred. (Blinks)
Waddahyounuts!?

Biggus Dickus.
Yes Wilfred. You can have some nuts if you do the deed. Yes…

Wilfred. (Rolls eyes)
SQUAWK!

Testiklies.
Hahaha, that is a good idea Biggus Dickus. Why don’t you do it? It should be quite entertaining!

Biggus Dickus.
Yes. It is a good plan. Go Wilfred! GO! (Violently throws the hunched-back parrot)

(Enter Jaypeg and the Hat)

Jaypeg.
Hey Hat! How does this rat look with my toga? (Holds a black rat to his face and poses) I like black rats the most.

Hat.
It looks good. The black rat suits you very well. How much are they? You do not have to buy me one for I have money enough.

Jaypeg.
The large ones are five, the medium ones three, and the small ones cost one. Ay, rats are quite cheap during the season. I might even get three. Including this white one for my party toga. (Holds up an especially corpulent white rat)

Hat.
I may just get five of the big ones. I am hungry today.

Wilfred. (Swoops onto the Hat’s head and grabs)
Squork! Squawk! Rant! (Pulls up but cannot get away)

Hat.
Ouch! You stupid bird! Get out of my hair! Get off now I say! (Attempts to hit Wilfred with a rat but misses)

(Testiklies and Biggus Dickus run up to the Hat and Jaypeg, stepping on a rat and a chicken.) 4.

Biggus Dickus.
Unhand that bird you purple freak!

Testiklies.
And take your damn hat off in front of us. What! Is it sewn on?

Hat. (Stands up in front of everyone in the market)
Dammit!!! This is not a hat. This is my REAL hair! Why can’t you people just leave me alone!? What do I have to do, pay you?

(Everyone holds out his or her hands and a performance monkey runs up and shakes his collecting cup in his face.)

Leave me alone I say! LEAVE ME!

(The fountain of a swimming rat behind the Hat blows up and sends bits of shrapnel all over the market. A midget is knocked down and killed, and an old lady has her dress torn off. No one else is hurt. Also, 50 miles away, Jesus is being crucified. Exit everyone.)

Scene III. (Back alley)

(Enter The Hat, Jaypeg, and Wilfred because he has fallen in love with the rat on Jaypeg’s face. Also enter random robots that walk around in the background muttering “Jabba! Jabba! Jabba!”)

Robot.
Jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba jabba…

Jaypeg.
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! YOU KILLED INOCENT PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY MISTOOK YOUR HAIR FOR A HAT! FOR GOD’S SAKE HAT! YOUR NAME IS HAT! Hat.
I’m sorry, I did not mean for my anger to take control of me like that. (Looks at feet)

Jaypeg.
It’s all right, you actually only killed the midget. And no one really liked him anyway. Just be more careful next time. I was overreacting because that is my nature. GET AWAY YOU STUPID BIRD!!!

Wilfred.
Squawk! I love you! Squork!

(A good-looking temple priestess walks by)

Robot. (Follows priestess)
Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba …

Black Rat.
Squeak

Hat.
It seems that bird has the hots for your rat. Just give it to him and he will go.

Jaypeg.
I’ll just ignore him. Maybe he will fly away and find a female in his own genus. Besides, I am going to go home and get some rest. I am weary from the rat shopping and need some rest.

(A plane is seen in the far background, pulling a banner saying “Eat at Little Caesar’s! Pizza! Pizza!”)

Hat.
You do look tired. Go get some rest my friend. I will see you in the morning. I am afraid that I must stay up late to make some… concoctions… Goodnight my friend. I will see you later.

Jaypeg.
Goodnight.

(Exit everyone but the jabba bots. Wilfred the hunched-back parrot follows Jaypeg and his rat off the scene. The Hat goes to the Chinese market to buy some powder. A dog dies from the plague.)

Scene IV. (A street)

(Enter The Hat, Jaypeg, and Testiklies’s good twin sister Corinthismene. Robot parts are littering the ground from a battle. One robot is juggling three disgruntled midgets. A feathered rat is seen scurrying in the background. This is all three months after the last scene. I don’t know what happened during those three months really.)

Corinthismene.
Hey Jaypeg! Hat! I haven’t seen you two for a long time. I see that you finally got rid of those absurd rats on your face, Jaypeg. Good for you!

Jaypeg. (Offended)
Well Corinthismene, actually my new rat eloped with a hunched-backed parrot some months ago. It’s really disgusting. (Disgusted look)

(Three more feathered rats scurry by, one walks up Jaypeg’s leg to his chin.)

Dammit! Some of these feathered rats are taking after their mother and resting on my chin! (Grabs the rat by its tail and attempts to throw it but it clamps its beak into his finger) OUCH!

Hat.
I had to use explosives on them because they were invading my villa. I got about 300 dead ones in my pantry now. I am going to make soup!

Corinthismene.
Uh… Yeah, you do that…

Jaypeg.
I am going to go to the hamster mart. I heard that hamsters are less likely to run away with parrots (said in an English accent). I also want to pick up some feathered rattraps. Would you two like to come with me?

Corinthismene.
Sure, I (she blows up, but it wasn’t the Hat’s fault this time)

(Enter Testiklies)

Testiklies. (Runs up to the remains of Corinthismene)
NO! No, it can’t be, not my sister! MY TWIN SISTER! SHE IS DEAD! Curse you Hat! You did this. You blew up my twin! Curse you. You killed Corinthismene just like you slaughtered that midget. No one cared about him. But this is my sister! Corinthismene, oh woe is me. Corinthismene, I will avenge your death. I’ll see to it that this man is hung. Corinthismene. May your spirit rest in peace.

(Enter Wilfred)

Wilfred.
SQUAWK! OR PIECES! SQUAWK!

(Exit Wilfred)

Hat.
I didn’t…

Testiklies. (Uncontrollable rage)
YOU! I WILL KILL YOU! MAY YOU GO TO HELL! I WILL SMITE THE WITH A SPOON! YOU PURPLE PEOPLE EATER! YOU SHOULD DIE A VERY PAINFUL DEATH!

Jaypeg.
He didn’t…

Testiklies. (Still in an uncontrollable rage) Shut up you! Do you want to die also!? I can kill you both! NOTHING is enough to avenge the death of my dear sister. (Cries) Oh why, WHY!? Why must she be taken? Why not some one else! Why not one of the worthless scum who litter the street? Why not another one of the midgets? WHY NOT YOU!

(Exit everyone, even the feathered rats carrying the bloody parts of Corinthismene. Testiklies chases the Hat off the scene. The Robots appear suddenly and take Corinthismene’s head. A midget crosses the road and gets run over by a cart. Wild monkeys fling poo at everyone. Then everything goes black. End of act)