A Random Hat - Act 6

Scene I. (Hat’s crib)

(Enter the Hat, Jaypeg, Corinthismene, and Wilfred, all in army commando attire. Even Wilfred)

Corinthismene.
Ok men! Today is the day we strike the robot menace. With the knowledge I have learned from being captive. We will infiltrate their headquarters!

Hat.
What is our plan of action sir?

Corinthismene. (Refers to map)
Hat! You will trick the guards into killing you, while Jaypeg, Wilfred, and I will sneak in here!

(Points at map)

Hat.
Wa… what!!! I’m not going to die! I'm the hero of this damn play! Without me, there is no title!!!

Corinthismene.
Well of course you wont really die! With this anti death-by-robot suit, you will be perfectly safe!

Hat.
Oh, ok then!

Corinthismene. (Mutters)
It will just hurt a really freaking lot!

Hat.
What was that?

Corinthismene.
N-nothing. Ok Jaypeg. Once inside we must split up! I will advance to the main power source while you become a target for the robots.

Wilfred. (Puffing on a cigar)
I find that your plan to get the Hat and Jaypeg shot is completely unnecessary.

Corinthismene.
Shut up you stupid bird! I make the orders!

Wilfred. (Salutes)
Yes sir Corinthismene sir!

Corinthismene.
That's better. At ease! This is your job Wilfred. You well become yet another target for the robots while I sneak into their power source. There I will summon my feathered rats and destroy their power source with them along with it! Hopefully we can do all of this in only one more scene. Oh, and Wilfred? We don't make anti death-by-robot suits for your size. So you will just have to not get hit! LETS MOVE OUT!

(They leave the Hat’s house and head for that place I was talking about earlier… Exit everyone)

Scene II. (The Robot Headquarters!)

(Enter the Hat, Jaypeg, Wilfred, and of course a whole bunch of robots!)

Corinthismene.
Ok everyone. Remember what you have to do?

Jaypeg.
Yes.

Hat.
Sure.

Wilfred.
Maybe.

Corinthismene.
Ok, lets move out! Hat! GO GO GO!!!

(Hat advances with explosives, blowing up two robot guards. The other guards shoot at him!)

Hat.
Ow, ow, ow!!! Dammit! Owww! Ahh! This hurts!!! Area secure… IACHY BABA!!!

Corinthismene.
Now’s our chance! MOVE!

(Corinthismene, Jaypeg, and Wilfred advance while the Hat screams in agony. They approach a second group of guards)

Corinthismene.
Ok Jaypeg. It is time for you! Go now!

Wilfred.
Uhh. I think you might have to take a look at Jaypeg sir…

Corinthismene.
Dammit!!!

(Corinthismene turns towards Jaypeg, to see that he has at last turned into an owl)

Jaypeg.
Hoo!

Corinthismene.
Well we will just have to live with this. At least those damn robots will have a flying target! FLY JAYPEG!

Jaypeg.
HOO!!!

(Jaypeg the owl makes a valiant effort to draw away the fire. He flies into battle and instantly gets hit by a robot’s beam. He explodes into a could of burning feathers)

Corinthismene.
Ok! Lets go!!!

(She and Wilfred advance towards the center of the building)

Corinthismene.
Ok Wilfred. You know what to do. I would like to take this time to tell you that you are the bravest hunch-backed parrot I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

Wilfred.
Save it! Here goes!

(Wilfred then flies off into the smoke that was once Jaypeg. The smoke clears and Wilfred sees a vast army of robots heading his way)

Wilfred.
SQUAWK! SCREW THIS!!!

(Wilfred flies away and saves himself. Fortunately he draws enough fire away to enable Corinthismene access to the robot power source)

Corinthismene.
Come to me my feathered children!

(All of the feathered rats created by Wilfred and the Black Rat [about 200 million] swarm to Corinthismene and the power source. They devour every bit of it. Without their power source, the robots stop instantly. Hat, still cringing in pain on the ground, realizes that he is no longer being shot and understands that it is because they have won!

Hat.
Woo hoo.

(Exit everyone. Wilfred makes his way back to his girlfriend and they start the process of creating children again. They end up with about seven billion. Everyone is grieved about Jaypeg’s death. He is buried under a tree. From then on the tree starts dying. Corinthismene settles down with a husband and starts a family that rivals Wilfred’s. She has lost her powers to control the feathered rats, so they roam free and destroy everything in their path. Fortunately none of this stuff actually happens because the world blows up. Enter the Crazy Shaving Guy, the Hat, and Pinknoss into the void)

Crazy Shaving Guy.
And now! I will! Shave the HAT! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(Shaves the Hat…)

Pinknoss.
Ahh, Hat! I see many things in your future… New friends… New adventures… New other things!

Hat.
Really? What do you see Pinknoss?

Pinknoss.
A Random Hat Two: Jaypeg’s Return!

Hat.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A Random Hat - Act 5

Scene I. (The moon… I mean a street)

(Enter the Hat, Jaypeg, Corinthismene, Testiklies, Biggus Dickus, and John the stoner. To bring everyone up to date: during the last act everyone had a coffee break and everyone is holding a Starbucks coffee. Now that we are back to the normal story line, we need to get serious! We need more action! More drama! And definitely a lot more randomness! Here we go!)

Hat. (Monotonous tone)
Hello Jaypeg.

Jaypeg. (Monotonous tone.)
Hello hat.

Hat. (Monotonous tone)
How are you today?

Jaypeg. (Monotonous tone)
I am just fine. How are you?

Hat. (Monotonous tone)
Fine also.

Jaypeg.
Hey that’s great!

Hat. (Glaring at Jaypeg)
Ahem…

Jaypeg. (Monotonous tone)
…I mean good.

Corinthismene.
Why are you two talking in such monotonous tones?

(Hat and Jaypeg glare at her)

…Okay never mind… Uh-oh, here comes my brother Testy. Biggus Dickus is with him also.

(Testiklies walks towards Hat and his group after peeing in the nearby water fountain.)

Testiklies.
Ho Hat! Nice to see you!

Hat. (Cringes)
Err… hi.

Testiklies.
Oh Hat. Do not fear me. I know now that you never harmed my dear sis. And since you have risked your life to save her, my family is forever in your debt.

Hat.
Well you cannot say that I risked my life… if that were at stake I wouldn’t have OW!

(Hat stopped short because Corinthismene gave him a swift kick to the groin)

Testiklies.
Now Corinthismene! What did you do that for?

Corinthismene. (Said through clenched teeth)
Sorry Hat! There was a bug crawling on you. I hope now you… it will have learned its lesson!

Hat. (High squeaky voice)
Thanks…

Testiklies.
Oh. Ok well Hat! The reason I come to you is to invite you to a dinner in your honor. I certainly hope that you will come tonight. You’re Rat friend can come to if he wishes.

Hat. (High squeaky voice)
Sure…

Testiklies.
That is great! See you there! Come Biggus!

Biggus Dickus.
Heh heh, yes sire.

(Exit everyone. Will hat go to the dinner in his honor? Will Jaypeg come with him? And what was with that suspicious laugh? Find out next scene, on A Random Hat!)

Scene II. (A Street)

(Enter Chorus, the Hat, Jaypeg, and the reincarnated Hubit Mikocov)

Chorus. (Singer)

Along comes the Hat, a dumb white guy.
When the sun is bright, he’s gonna fry.
With him is Jaypeg, a faithful friend.
He backs Hat up, until the end.

(All)

Of this play!
Of this play!

(Singer)

Hat’s on his way to a big shindig.
Play him some music; he’ll do a jig.
Then at four, they’re telling me.
Just like the Brits, they’re having tea.

(All)

And biscuits!
And biscuits!

(Singer)

The day isn’t over, for this white guy.
Comes nighttime, some one’s gonna die.
If I were you, I’d watch out Hat.
Oh be wary, of the feathered rat.

(All)

Just beware!
Just beware!

Hubit Mikocov.
Oh my god! That is the worst song I’ve ever heard! Whoever wrote that song should be hung!

Chorus.
Go spank yourself!

Hubit Mikocov.
You want a piece of this? Come get it! COME TO ME ANIMAL FRIENDS!

(Enter the Animal Friends. A giant fight takes place)

Hat.
How come this stupid, senseless violence always happens? It’s pointless.

Jaypeg.
It appears that the writer doesn’t know any other form of humor besides senseless violence and crackpot dialogue.

Hat. (Mutters)
Like a stupid owl would know…

Jaypeg.
You want to say that to my face? WHITE BOY!

Hat.
Bring it on featherhead!

Jaypeg.
HOO!!!

(The Hat and Jaypeg get into a fight. The previous fighters stop fighting and watch)

Hat.
Naked Albino Attack!

Jaypeg.
Crazed Owl Swoop!

(Jaypeg jumps into the air and dives towards Hat. Hat discards his toga. The light reflecting off of his white man boobs temporarily blinds Jaypeg, who falls on Hat)

Hat.
Take this!

Jaypeg.
Ahh. That was a worthy move, but nothing compared to this!!!

Hat.
Arrrrgggghhhh.

(The previous fighters move their heads from side to side, watching the fight)

Jaypeg.
Hahaha! I got you now!

Hat.
Oh yeah? Well watch this. WHAAAA!

Jaypeg.
OH NO!!!

(The fight ends. The Hat is in a white bloody heap, barely able to move. Jaypeg has become a mass of ruffled feathers and blood)

Hubit Mikocov.
Damn Hat! You're a mess! Good thing I'm a magical monkey. Here goes… Wicca, Wicca wham!

(The mess is cleared and the Hat and Jaypeg are back to normal)

Hat.
Thank you Hubit…

Jaypeg.
Yes. Thank you…

Hat.
Jaypeg… I’m sorry…

Jaypeg.
Me too Hat…

Hat.
I love you man!

(Hat and Jaypeg embrace. The previous fighters say “Awwww”)

Hubit Mikocov.
Hey! I’m a magical monkey here! Either go get a room or I’ll change you back!

Jaypeg.
Yes… sorry…

Hat.
Yes…

Hubit Mikocov.
Weren't you two on your way to Corinthismene’s? You had better get going. If I’m not mistaken, this party was in your honor Hat. A good way to repay your friends, being late to their party for you…

Hat.
What? OH… right…

(Hat and Jaypeg head to the party. Exit everyone. Remember the warning Hat. REMEMBER!)

Hat.
Oh shut up!

(Yes… sorry…)

Scene III. (A Party)

(Enter the Hat, Jaypeg, Corinthismene, Testiklies, Wilfred, the Black Rat, Biggus Dickus, and some young female owls. There is much joy at the arrival of Hat and Jaypeg)

Testiklies.
Hat… Jaypeg… Hat, so glad that you could make it!

Jaypeg. (Disgruntled)
Well I suppose it’s the least we could do. I mean, this party IS in Hat’s honor.

Testiklies. (Ignoring Jaypeg)
Well Hat! We have a lot in store for you! Many surprises…

Hat.
Well Testiklies, I am honored.

Testiklies.
Not at all! If you don’t mind I’d like to show you something right away. And please do call me Testy!

Hat.
Well Jaypeg. Why don't you go have some fun! Enjoy yourself! I’ll be back in a moment.

Testiklies.
Right this way master Hat.

Jaypeg.
Ok. Well. I’ll just cruse around… HEY CHICKS!

(Jaypeg strides over to the group of female owls while Hat is steered over into another room by Testiklies)

Hat.
Where are you taking me Testik… Testy?

Testiklies.
I have some one who would like to meet you.

Hat.
Really! Who? Is she short?

Testiklies.
You’ll see.

(The room is dark. Testiklies leaves Hat by they entrance while he fetches a lamp. As light fills the room, the Hat is startled to see a strange creature! It has the body of a large feathered rat. With seven heads and thirteen eyes! [Ok so that doesn’t add up] It was holding Corinthismene by her neck. IT’S THE FEATHERED RAT KING!!!)

Feathered Rat King.
Sooo Hat… We meet at last…

Hat.
Uh, yeah.

Feathered Rat King.
I will just get to the point. You have mind powers over my children. And I must get that back by killing you!

Hat.
But I don't have control over your children. She does! (Hat points at Corinthismene)

Feathered Rat King.
She tells me that it is you with the control. She is not lying, because I can tell when some one lies!

Corinthismene. (Grinning uncertainly)
Yeah Hat! Don't lie! You know that you posses the power over all the feathered rats!

Hat.
Damn you… Ok then. If you want to kill me, then bring it on! JAYPEG!!!

(Back in the other room)

Jaypeg.
You know, I’m going to become an owl. And I think a guy like me could really dig a chick like you.

Female Owl.
Hoo!

Hat. (From the OTHER, other room)
Jaypeg! Come help!

Jaypeg.
Damn! He probably has his penis stuck in his fly again! So I’ll see you later?

Female Owl.
Hoo! (Not in your life!)

(Jaypeg enters the scene and the fight begins. The Feathered Rat King flings aside Corinthismene and prepares an attack. The rest is too graphic for you to read [basically Hat kicks the Feathered Rat King in the balls and Jaypeg stomps on his head])

Hat.
That was quick and easy. I hope that when this play is turned into a movie, they make that fighting scene a little longer.

Corinthismene.
I’m so sorry Hat! I just wanted to save my skin and see you die! Please forgive me!

Hat.
Ok whatever.

Testiklies.
So, at last, we have found the legendary Micaca!

Hat.
Whose caca?

Testiklies.
The Micaca! In myth and urban legends, they say one albino man will descend upon us and save all mankind from the menace!

Corinthismene.
Testy? Are you serious? Are you saying that HAT is one of the legendary Micaca?

Testiklies.
Hell no! I'm just bull shitting you! There is no such think as the Micaca!

Hat.
I'm confused.

Jaypeg.
Me hoo!

(With that the scene and act ends. I'm almost done writing this play!! YES!!!!)

A Random Hat - Act 4

Scene I. (A random city)

(Enter Satan and his girlfriend Brenda; her real name is Bendis, the Thracian Moon goddess. Her cult celebrated her rites with wild orgies.)

Satan.
Brenda! Come back to hell with me! My father Hades will no longer lay his hands on you, for I have killed him! Come back!

Brenda.
Satan, you are a fiend! I do not want to come back to you or to hell!

Satan.
Of course I’m a fiend. I'm Satan, God of the underworld. Everyone who crosses my path is destroyed! I can have anything and any one! No one can control me! And I fear no one! Except my mom…

Brenda.
Go to hell Satan! Go to hell where you belong! Leave me to live among the humans! You will never get me back! And you cannot posses me ever! For I have been in your “sanctuary” and know how you control people. You will never control me ever!

(Enter two mutant slugs and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac with a push lawn mower… The slugs look around for a while. Johnny then attacks the slugs with the lawn mower. They run around Satan for a while. All this happens while Satan and Brenda stare in wonderment… Exit the two mutant slugs and Johnny The Homicidal Maniac chasing after them)

Satan.
Just when I thought this scene couldn’t get any screwier!

Brenda.
It’s no screwier than you are!

Satan.
How would you know that!

Brenda.
I was your bitch remember? No. You wouldn’t! You never remembered anything important!

Satan. (Enraged)
I’M Satan! I am God of the underworld! I have many more important things to remember than you!

Brenda.
I WAS God of the moon! Until I came to you! I had a good living! I could remember everything! And I even had orgies in my name! But that's not the point. YOU SUCK SATAN! I’m leaving you forever!

Satan. (Really pissed off)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

... (ten munites later)...

... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Satan lifts up his right arm towards the sky. He clenches his hand and makes a fist. KA-BOOM! Half of the random city blows up! Enter a random citizen and a mob of frightened people)

Random Citizen.
Run for your lives! The city had blown up! It is a sign from GOD!

Satan.
No its not. I just blew up the city.

Random Citizen.
Oh. (Yells) False alarm everyone! Go back to your homes! No need to panic! It was just Satan… Satan! TO ARMS! Satan is here! ATTACK HIM!

(The random citizen attacks Satan alone. The mob doesn’t seem to have cared that much about what the random citizen was saying. Satan holds up his arm again and POOF! The random citizen blows up)

Satan.
I hate it when I have to do that.

Brenda.
You could never kill some one without whining like a baby afterwards!

Satan.
You hoe; you never killed anyone until you met me. The closest you’ve come to killing is passing STD’s during your mass orgies!

Brenda. (Enraged)
Don’t you EVER call me a hoe! (Slaps Satan in the face drawing blood)

Satan. (Enraged)
I GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE! NO YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR! THIS IS WAR!

(Satan summons his vast army of demented midgets. They wield broad swords and are clad in pink flowers. Brenda calls upon her army of dolphins and platypi. Out of nowhere a midget girl riding a large black kitten appears and then disappears. End of scene)

Scene II. (A random battlefield)

(Enter Satan, Brenda, the midget army, and the army of dolphins and platypi. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac joined the ranks of Brenda. Obviously the mutant slugs (or what was left of them) joined Satan’s side. Then Hitler time warped to the battlefield and also joined Brenda. It doesn’t look like Hitler much enjoyed Hell.)

Satan. (Enraged)
I GAVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE! NO YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR! THIS IS WAR!

Brenda.
Stupid Satan, you said that already!

Satan.
Oh… Well I mean it!

Brenda.
Yeah, well so do I!

Satan.
Grr! ATTACK MY SATANIC MIDGETS!

(The midgets clad in flowers and wielding herrings advances upon the vast army of dolphins and platypi. The dolphins prepare for the onslaught of midgets while the platypi also advance to meet the midget army. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac takes his trusty lawnmower and runs ahead of the platypi army to lead them into battle. Satan and Brenda position themselves opposite of the battlefield to direct their armies. Hitler sucks so he just shoots himself. Pretty tense ain’t it?)

Brenda.
Satan! I your former girlfriend will modestly discover to yourself that of yourself which you yet know not of. Thou are quite jealous of me, evil Satan: Were I a common goddess, you would have not forgotten that I worshiped thee diligently. But as I being more than mere a moon deity, you forget me, and my love, through constant jealousy!

Satan.
What means this shouting of yours? I do believe that I am not jealous! Old English is crap!

Brenda.
I agree. Old English sucks big hairy monkey butt.

Satan.
Anyway. I ain’t jealous!

Brenda.
Yes huh!

Satan.
Dammit! Keep attacking my devilish midgets in flowers!

Brenda.
Attack my aquatic animal army!

(And so begins the battle. The first real death actually resulted from Hitler shooting himself: Still alive, he toppled over a midget, killing them both. Johnny the Homicidal Maniac quickened his pace and mowed down a row of deadly midgets. He found his slug victims and chopped them up into little gooey bits. The platypi army met the midget army and slaughtered most of them. Then the dolphin army advanced and took down the rest. It only took about five minutes really.)

Satan.
Arrrrggggghhhh!

Brenda.
Oh Satan! You DO care about me!

Satan.
Huh?

Brenda.
Aww! First you blew up half of that random city to get me back! Now you have sacrificed all of your midgets in my honor! You do love me!

Satan. (Confused look)
…Yeah!

Brenda.
Let’s go back to hell and make sweet love!

(Exit everyone including a very confused and blissful Satan. I love happy endings! Sniff sniff)

A Random Hat - Act 3

Scene I. (Sacred Meadow)

(Enter the Hat and Jaypeg. The fire is roaring and the smell of freshly cooked feathered rat is in the morning air. Yummy)

Jaypeg.
Good morning Hat. It is cold this morning.

Hat.
Yes it is. I stayed up all night so I kept the fire going. Come and sit down with me and get warm.

Jaypeg.
Thank you Hat. But why did you stay up all night? You didn’t have to do that.

Hat.
I couldn’t sleep. After you went to bed…

Jaypeg.
What happened?

Hat.
After you went to bed, I was visited by… by… Corinthismene.

Jaypeg.
What? You mean her ghost came and visited YOU?

Hat.
Not her ghost. Her head. Her head walking around on feathered rats.

Jaypeg.
What? Make some sense Hat!

Hat.
I’m serious. She came to me last night walking around on three feathered rats. She told me that I have to do something for her.

Jaypeg.
What is it that you have to do?

Hat.
I do not wish to discuss it. Please do not pry any further.

Jaypeg.
Oh I pry.

Hat.
Alright. She told me that the robots are plotting to take over the world. And I must go into the haunted forest to find the blue-haired wish-granting monkey. Hubit Mikocov.

Jaypeg.
Who bit your what off? Now what are you talking about Hat?

Hat.
That is the name of the monkey. Hubit Mikocov. I have to spank him.

Jaypeg.
You have to spank the blue monkey?

Hat.
Yes.

Jaypeg.
Okay then. I do not think that is a very good reason to stay up all night.

Hat.
Well. That is not the real reason.

Jaypeg.
Oh. So what is the REAL reason?

Hat.
The feathered rats! They followed us over here and attacked last night. One of those sons of parrot bit my finger off.

(Holds up his right hand showing a bloody stitched-up middle finger)

Jaypeg.
I do not see any feathered rats.

Hat.
They are off chasing a pack of forest midgets now.

(A forest midget suddenly runs into the meadow and dies. Fifty feathered rats pop out of his chest)

Uh-oh. They see us. Now they are going to go back and warn the rest of them. I had to stay up all night to keep the fire going. It is the only thing that keeps them away.

Jaypeg.
Hoo.

Hat.
What the hell!? Why did you just say hoo?

Jaypeg.
It is a long and strange story.

Hat.
Well tell it while we collect firewood. Those rats will be back soon.

(Jaypeg and the Hat begin collecting firewood while Jaypeg tells his story)

Jaypeg.
Well. About twenty years ago, when I was only thirteen, I went out with my parents to get my first rat for my chin. My parents come in a long line of rat wearers. My grandfather once had this rat that was so big he could… well anyway. We went to the rat market to find me the right sized rat. I wanted a colored rat. So I went to Madame Mouse’s Rat Emporium. I found this really nice green rat, and when I had paid and was on my way out, I stepped on the Madame’s toad. She was so furious she cast a spell on me. As I get older, I will become more and more owl-like.

Hat.
Damn you.

Jaypeg.
What?

Hat.
That wasn’t a long story at all. But it doesn’t matter. You are going to turn into an owl. That is very funny. I laugh at you.

(Laughs)

That explains the feathers growing on the back of your head.

Jaypeg.
I have feathers growing on the back of my head?

Hat.
Um… No.... But we must get going. By the sounds of the forest midgets’ screaming those feathered rats must be getting near.

(Shrieks and screams are heard in the forest not far off. The forest midgets enter the meadow closely followed by the feathered rats)

Jaypeg.
I hear them. There they are!

Hat.
Quick, to the fire!

(And so begins the Hat and Jaypeg’s epic battle against the vast army of feathered rats. Many forest midgets sacrifice their lives against their will to defeat the first wave of feathered rat fiends. The Hat produces a handful of explosives and destroys the second wave. Jaypeg busts out his ninja skills and mows down the final wave. No midgets or feathered rats survive)

Jaypeg.
God damn it. Why can’t Wilfred use a damn condom!?

Hat.
They haven’t been invented yet. Besides, now I won’t go hungry on my journey.

Jaypeg.
Yes, your journey. When are you leaving?

Hat.
Now. Bye.

Jaypeg.
Hoo… bye.

(Exit Jaypeg and the Hat.)

Scene II (Haunted Forest)

(Enter the Hat, Wilfred, the black rat, and a forest midget named Mick da Midget befriended by the Hat)

Mick da Midget. (Twitches)
You are trying to find the blue monkey yes?

Hat.
Yes

Mick da Midget. (Twitches)
I can take you to a blue monkey. Yes. I can take you to a monkey who is blue yes.

Hat.
You can? Take me to him then.

Mick da Midget. (Twitches)
Yes, I can take you. Yes. I can yes. I can take you to see the blue monkey yes. You would like to see the monkey yes. I know where the yes monkey is yes.

Hat.
Why do you twitch like that?

Mick da Midget. (Twitches)
Twitch? Yes.. yes yes yes.

Hat.
You twitch every time you say yes.

Mick da Midget. (Twitches)
I twitch when I say yes. Yes. I twitch when I say yes. Yes I twitch. I see yes. YES!!!

(Attacks himself)

YES! AHHH! YES! (Chomp) YES! HA AHHH! (Gnaw) YES! (Twitch) YES! YES! YES!

Hat.
No wonder these midgets die so much. They are friggin’ annoying!

(Mick da Midget explodes)

(Enter Sir Robin of Camelot and his merry singing minstrels)

Merry Minstrel one. (Singing)
Sir Robin ran away. He ran way away away.

Sir Robin.
Stop it! No I didn’t!

Merry Minstrel one. (Still singing)
When trouble turned its ugly head, Bent his tail turned and fled, Sir Robin ran away. He ran way away away.

Sir Robin.
No I didn’t! WHOA! Who goes there?

Hat.
I am Hat. Who the hell are you?

Merry Minstrel one. (Singing again)
He is Sir Robin of Camelot. Sir Robin of Camelot.

Sir Robin.
SHUT UP! I am Sir Robin of Camelot. My quest is for the Holy Grail.

Hat.
I didn’t ask what your god damn quest was. The Holy Grail? You are in the wrong place. This is the play “A Random Hat”

Sir Robin.
Oh damn!

Merry Minstrel One. (Singing yet again)
Sir Robin ran away, Away to the way wrong play.

Sir Robin.
Shut up!

(Exit Sir Robin and his merry singing minstrels)

Hat.
That was messed up. I need to lay off the opium.

(Throws away his opium pipe. It hits something, which says ow. Enter a blue-haired monkey)

A blue haired-monkey!

(Runs up and spanks it)

Blue-Haired Monkey.
Holy shit! OUCH! STOP THAT!

Hat.
Damn! It is not Hubit Mikocov.

Blue-Haired Monkey.
Ouch! You are looking for Hubit Mikocov? I’ll take you to him. Just hold the spanking until you get there, will you?

Hat.
Thank you, alright.

(Off they march to the lair of Hubit Mikocov. In other words they exit the scene. A feathered rat is seen in the branches above… foreshadowing)

Scene III (Hubit Mikocov’s Lair)

(Enter the Hat, Hubit Mikocov, and the Blue-Haired Monkey. Hubit Mikocov is wearing a dress made entirely out of bacon)

Hubit Mikocov.
I smell a white guy!

Blue-Haired Monkey. (Whispers)
Hubit is blind so he relies on his excellent sense of smell to know who people are.

Hat.
He is very good at it.

Hubit Mikocov.
Whoa! A very white guy! Jakov! (Referring to the Blue-Haired Monkey) Go get my pipe!

Blue-Haired Monkey.
Yes! Jakov will fetch Hubit’s pipe.

(Exit Jakov the Blue-Haired Monkey)

Hubit Mikocov.
So. Where is my spanking white one?

Hat.
Your spanking?

Hubit Mikocov.
I always expect a spanking when I receive visitors.

Hat.
Well. Ok if I must.

(Spanks Hubit Mikocov)

How was that?

Hubit Mikocov.
Mmm. That was some good spanking.

Hat.
Hubit. I need your help. Corinthismene

Hubit Mikocov.
Yes I know. Corinthismene. She is dead. She wants you to bring her back. Yes. Well, I’m not about to do that for free. No, first you must pass a test…

Hat.
Hmm. A test. What kind of test?

Hubit Mikocov.
You must defeat the hairy, three eyed, two-tailed forest monster called… GREG!

Hat.
Oh. Is that it?

Hubit Mikocov.
Is that it?! What are you talking about! Its not every day that you fight a monster like Greg!

Hat.
Yeah yeah, where is he?

Hubit Mikocov.
Umm… Over there

(Points towards an open lighted meadow)

Hat.
Damn! I hate light! Hmm…

Hubit Mikocov.
Remember Hat, music sooths the beast.

Hat.
What the hell does that mean.

Hubit Mikocov.
Think about it stupid!

Hat.
Oh. Hmm…

Hubit Mikocov.
Yeeeaaaah… stupid.

Hat.
Hat time!

(Enter Greg, the hairy, three-eyed, two-tailed forest monster. He and the Hat face each other in the meadow)

Greg. (Roars)
Roooooaaaaaar!

Hat.
Yo Greg! Yo is goin down dawg! Aiight!

Greg. (Roars)
Roooooaaaaaar!

Hat. (Raps)
I be white But that’s alright Gonna kill you dude And eat you as food Wicca Wicca

I be Hat
And that is that I’m like that cat Ate a feathered rat Then it shat Wicca Wicca

Hubit Mikocov.
It’s working Hat! You’re calming him down!

Hat. (Rapping and stripping)
Corinthismene She ain’t to keen But that's alright Exploded off her head Now she is dead Wicca Wicca

(The rapping intoxicates Greg the forest monster. Just as Greg has been soothed, Hat rips off his shirt. The sun reflecting off the Hat’s very white skin blinds Greg, enabling Hat to shove his last explosives down his throat. Boom! Dead)

Hubit Mikocov.
That was marvelous! Now I will grant you your wish. What is your desire?

Hat.
I wish for Corinthismene to be alive again.

Hubit Mikocov.
Alright.

(Hubit Mikocov blinks and Corinthismene appears in front of them)

And because of some fluke in my magic, she now has the power to control the feathered rats!

(Just then 500 million feathered rats attack! Hubit Mikocov and his entire tribe are eaten. Some nearby forest midgets obviously die also. The Hat and Corinthismene are surrounded)

Hat.
Corinthismene! Use your power to control the feathered rats!

Corinthismene.
Okay!

(She blinks and all of the feathered rats are under her control, they all stop moving)

Hmm, what should I make them do? I KNOW!

(She blinks again. All the feathered rats leave. they return later carrying a tree trunk. Corinthismene and the Hat climb onto the tree trunks and the feathered rats carry them away. Exit everything. End of Act Three!!!!)

Christ in a Let, and re: Win or Lose

By Andrew Fassett:

Economics: slumbering,
Battering the last contrast
Between US and them, to boot.
“Give me your wicked,” she said.

If it’s not obvious yet,
It should be, I mean, obscene.
Howling, not howling, beep beep!
“I am bored; wake up! Let’s sup.”

Their smoke was outside today
No signals to see, lately,
From the war fires of battle;
Battle fought in Hell, for, well
“You and me and me, not you.”

That’s just it: we sleep, they creep.
“They lie to protect us all.”
Tell us the whole truth, forsooth!
Tell us the whole truth today,
And we can decide which ride
We will take into heaven.

And the long stream bends, then ends
Abruptly, as if afraid
To go on farther, for her.
Her looks, her grace, her blank stares,
They tell you something, to sing,
But your mouth is much too parched
And you can’t sing, so you go.

“It’s a little… obvious.”
Okay, you tell the story.
“But you used that already!”

They complicate it; bullshit.
“I’ll say when I’ve had enough!”

Ever thought to choose to use
Those standards that you gave me?
“But that would just be easy.”
I read that wrong every time.
“I have only failed!” He wailed.

TAKE TWO:

Economics: slumbering;
Battering the last contrast
Between US and them, to boot.
“Give me your wicked,” she said.
When has her advice ever
Helped you to be more mature?
Did I say that right? Yes? Good!
I’ll be on my way today.

If it’s not obvious yet,
It should be, I mean, obscene.
Howling, not howling, beep beep!
“I am bored; wake up! Let’s sup.”
We can do – at the same time –
Those things and still more, before
They make us do everything else.
That is the way to make do.

Their smoke was outside today.
No signals to see, lately,
From the war fires of battle;
Battle fought in Hell, for, well
“You and me and me, not you.”
I could never say if they
Were fighting amongst themselves,
Or just secretly fought me.

“They lie to protect us all.”
That’s just it: we sleep, they creep.
Tell us the whole truth today,
And we can decide which ride
We will take into heaven.
Tell us the whole truth, forsooth!
(I hate that word – the first one –
Used by prophets to wield you.)

I just made a nice balance:
And the long stream bends, then ends
Abruptly, as if afraid
To go on farther, for her.
Her looks, her grace, her blank stares,
They tell you something, to sing,
But your mouth is much too parched
And you can’t sing, so you go.

Once upon a time I knew:
“It’s a little… obvious.”
Okay, you tell the story.
“But you used that already!”
My sustenance consists of
Blank conversations, gross puns,
And slander flung with toxic
Words brimming at the loud sea.

Black starlings with rainbow coats
Litter snow covered ground. “Bird,
You are filthy and starving.”
They complicate it; bullshit.
“I’ll say when I’ve had enough!”
Said the black starling, snarling,
As it tore apart its kin
In cannibalistic bliss.

But I like to think of you:
Ever thought to choose to use
Those standards that you gave me?
“But that would just be easy.”
I read that wrong every time.
“I have only failed!” He wailed.
What is it to fail, my grace?
If you tell me “no,” I’ll know.

Charms, Quarks and Gluons

By Irena von Zahn

Since the dawn of time,
gluons, charms and quarks
have salted our soup,
whizzing past and through the earth
and all that's on it.

Who would have thought;
but now we know.
Who would have guessed;
but there they are,
bobbing in the flow of matter.

Who would have guessed;
but there they are,
infinitely small, behaving
by the rule of law, yet erratically,
perhaps steering the course of the universe.

Cat Crime

By Andrew Ringeri

With hair slicked back, black and tight,
here is a figure of the night.

Striding himself under the shade,
quiet, soft, without parade
and his presence seems to slowly fade

into the fecal fluid gutter,
silenced by a noisy shutter
which bangs away, in the windy clutter.

Blackened eyes, clear of blood
pierce through a tearing flood,
to this peeling house in the mud.

Creeping to it, on Germain,
the figure reaches it, wet from rain,
stalks his eyes through the pane

of glass, into the steamy house
all warm and woody, and enters like a louse,
but never crunching, just quiet, all mouse.

The flash comes down, and he's in,
just works his way through the skin
of the house, then his fingers cry, begin.

Without light, feels his way around the home,
stroking wood, leather and wall, he continues to comb
as water clangs the roofs, his spiders stop upon a dome.

A ball in shape, and all alone,
it spins silently on its own,

but in silence, he starts to groan
as the foggy room begins to close
in on him, around his back, knowing that he could have chose.
Realising the ball at hand is the wretched storm throwing blows.

Pouncing through the glass in flight,
searching eyes around in fright,
there will be, no, crime tonight.