I'm Waiting for my Pets to Die

Not really, but I have your attention. The original title was "I'm Waiting for my Parents to Die," but I think they'd have a negative reaction to that. Then I was going to write "I'm Waiting for my Parrots to Die," but why should I limit myself to one subgroup of slave animals? I'm not like that though. I want my parrots to die from natural causes completely unrelated to my will for their death. Is that any different? Actually, I think it's more likely that my parrots are waiting for me to die. They're probably writing blogs right now. But these blogs are not as subtle as mine. You see, they're parrots; they can't handle subtlety. The big one's blog is entitled, "I'm Slowly Killing my Humans by Defecating in their Salad." The little one, on the other hand, wrote, "I'm Killing my Humans by Masturbating on the Furniture and Giving them Sexual Transmitted Diseases that Are Harmless to Parrots but Deadly to Human-Pig-Dogs." As you can see, parrots aren't very good with brevity either.

The little one actually does masturbate on the furniture. And this is another field where he's terrible at brevity. I often walk into the kitchen and see him humping a chair with one leg up in the air and his tongue sticking out. On the table are chewed up magazines, bits of food, and the larger parrot's feathers. Obviously, the little guy had a little too much stimulation, and had to relieve himself as soon as possible. Why not the kitchen chair? It's close by, and often has a nice, soft cover (conveniently put there for his pleasure, and not to prevent him from pooping on the furniture). As soon as the wet spot dries the humans will never know a thing. How could they? He only does it right in front of us. That lovebird has no shame whatsoever.

What does that say about us? My family is not really god-fearing. We don't fear that which doesn't exist. In a religious family, however, I bet you this sort of behaviour would not be tolerated. Bird humping your furniture? Swat him with a newspaper. Twelve year old son masturbating in his bedroom? Hide the Vaseline. That should solve the problem, provided that he's not one of the few privileged boys in the US who didn't get circumcised. Personally, I say swat the boy with a newspaper when he doesn't masturbate. Don't tell him why you're swatting him, just do it. He'll catch on eventually, or develop a fetish. And if you're swatting the the boy with a newspaper, you have to do something worse to the parrot. This is according to the natural order of things. Humans are more important than animals, so if you treat a human badly, you have to counteract that by treating an animal worse. That way everything evens out, and all is right with the world. I think anything short of placing mousetraps on all of the furniture is irresponsible and unmoral.

Some of you might think that I'm the kind of person who buys houseplants just to watch them wither away from lack of water. That's completely untrue. I don't even buy houseplants; they always wither away from lack of water. And despite my comment about swatting kids with newspapers for not masturbating, I think I'd be a pretty good father. I'd teach my children responsibility and ethics by making them water the plants and provide the birds with plenty of room to relieve their loins. Teaching the kids about sex is, as I hear, one of the hardest things about being a parent. But with all of the horny parrots flying around my house I think they'd get the picture by the age of three. And what would you rather have, your kids learning about sex from television or your kids learning about sex from cute, colourful animals that can sing well? Sure, they're no Barney, but they get the job done. And they usually do it without inducing nausea.

Until your kids die from STDs.