I am Busting a Cap in My Dear Mother's Buttocks

Round Two

The Tree of

"I am hungry, and that is neither here nor there," said a snake, "nor when nor where."

A parrot squawked "Hin und her! Hin und her!"

"No! Here and there; when and where!" It was useless, thought the snake. The parrot was just too stupid to learn. But he was, after all, only on the first branch. Parrots are stupid on the first branch. Smarter birds perch high, away from the ground and hungry predators besides. The snake slithered up the ivy covered trunk, between leaves and broken stems, over cold moss, and through every which way imaginable—every which way a snake could go, he went, taking his time and moving with the natural flow of the wood. But there was that parrot again.

"Hin und her! Hin und her!" squawked the parrot, as it circled over the snake.

"I would eat you if you weren't so stupid!" said the snake. It was true: stupid parrots make lousy meals, and the snake needed something good to eat. The snake followed the parrot slowly with its head. The parrot—unfazed by the mesmerizing attempt—continued to circle the snake. "Hin und her! Hin und her!" But flying and squawking is tiresome, and the ferociousness with which the parrot did both of these things would make even the stupidest bird faint. And it did. The parrot fell from the sky, catching itself just in time, and barely alive.

"Stupid parrot!" thought the snake, "Serves him right! Ah! But what's this thing, this wonderful thing? It's round and supple and looks just right! I could nibble on it, we'll see! We'll see." The snake purposefully slithered towards the end of a stout branch. Snakes have bad eyesight, and the thing, small and round and hard, lay at the end. "What a thing, what a thing, what a thing is this?" sang the snake as it drew closer. Twirling and twining its tail all over it, the snake inspected the thing.

"What is this? What is this? Not a bird, not a mouse! Ow, it hurts! Not a treat! A tit!" And there was a tit. A little tit with black feathers and lonely for its mother sat on the branch just above the snake. "Oh tit, oh tit, don't be afraid. Why are you sad?" said the snake.

"Because I miss my mom; my mother's dead. Oh snake, won't you eat me?"

"No, never. No, never! Never such a sad tit would I eat. Sad tits taste bad." And it's true; sad tits taste bad. The snake shrugged the way only a snake can, and moved on. The poor tit sat above, grieving for her mother and contemplating suicide. Falling would hurt, but it wouldn't kill her. Maybe a hawk would eat her.

"Oh snake! Oh snake! Oh wait for me!" cried the tit with sadistic vigor.

"Go away, tit, I will not munch on you!"

"But snake! Oh snake! I do not want you to! Only allow me to come into the heights with you! There a hawk will surely find me a tasty meal. And while I'm there I am sure to lure some happier birds with my cries."

The snake reasoned this and nodded. The tit could come. Even if she did not lure happier birds, a hawk wouldn't taste bad. The snake continued up the tree, slithering every which way. About half way up the tree the snake found the stupid parrot again.

"How did you get up here? You fell back there!"

"Hin und her! Hin und her!"

"I'm too hungry for this! Go away!" Stupid parrots on the first branch, sad tits on the next—the snake expected better than this. If the bottom is stupid and the lower middle is sad, then the middle middle must be angry or mad. "I'll skip that, and go to the top." And that's just what the snake did. The tit followed. But they did not get far.

"My eggs! My eggs!" cried a disparaged sparrow. "The freak is after my eggs!"

"What? No!" said the snake. "I am not after your eggs."

"Just kidding! Elohel! Elohel!" cried the sparrow, rolling her L.

"What? I don't understand!"

"My eggs! My eggs!" cried the sparrow once again. "The freak is after my eggs! They will be so beautiful when they grow up! Just like me! I can't let the freak eat them before I can see!"

"I'm not…! Oh, forget it," said the snake. "You're not disparaged, but mad, then! I would not eat you or your eggs, if you had 'em."

And out flew the tit, screeching with delight, "Mother! Mother! You are here! It is you, I can hear! Mother, I am here!"

"Yes my child! I am here!"

And there was the parrot again. "Hin und her! Hin und her!"

The tit stopped short. "You are not my mom! Oh mom! Where are you?"

"Elohel! Elohel! Just kidding! Just kidding! I got you there!"

"Hin und her! Hin und her!"

"Just my luck," thought the snake. "I'm picking up a bird of every emotion and condition imaginable as I slither up this tree. I've got stupid, sad and mad, and angry is all I need. What I want is happy. Happy tastes good!"

The procession continued up the tree, three birds singing stupidity, sadness and madness, respectively. The snake was on his belly and had nothing else to do but climb. In the back of his mind he was conscious of a conspicuous lack of angry birds. Up and up the snake slithered, circling the trunk many times in a spiral. The top at last!

"Alright, tit, do your work! You two, go away!" said the snake. The tit nodded; bawling, and fluttering haphazardly, she ascended to the top-most branch and chirped.

"Oh, I am so poor and defenseless and all alone! I wonder where to go!"

"Hmm… Good. Good!" thought the snake. "Now maybe I can put these other two to good use. That sparrow certainly would look tasty, to a hawk, and the parrot is big enough for a nice meal. If I could position them such that they look the best, maybe a happy hawk will be more likely to come by."

The snake slithered towards the sparrow and stretched himself along a branch. If he stretched just right, he could blend in with the foliage and not be noticed by his potential meal. In position, the snake began twitching his tail. This excited the sparrow.

"A worm! A worm! It's mine!" cried the sparrow with a mad glint in her eye. "Elohel! Just kidding! A worm! A worm!" She flew towards the snake's tail and began to sing.

"Perfect," thought the snake. "Now I just need a way to attract that parrot. Well, that's easy!" "In there!" he yelled.

"Hin und her! Hin und her!" squawked the parrot, as it circled the area from where the snake's disembodied voice came.

"Too easy. Now to wait! I can't wait!" thought the snake.

"Mother! Mother! Where are you?"

"Elohel! Just kidding! A worm! It's mine!"

"Hin und her! Hin und her!"

"Ha, ha! Ha, ha!" cried a hawk from afar.

"At last, my meal is here!"

The hawk was closing in, swiftly gliding through the air. The sounds he heard were too much to bear. The snake watched. A long-anticipated meal was about to be had. Closer. Closer. The hawk was almost there. The snake tensed. The hawk was apparently coming for the tit. Closer. Closer still. And then…

"Now!" cried the parrot, as he grabbed the snake's head. The tit joined him, pecking at the snake's eyes. The sparrow took on the tail, gnawing at it with all her might. Stretched out and flat, the snake was almost too easy for the hawk to grab. Talons closed on the elongated belly, and the snake went limp in a confusion of fear and frustration.

"Thanks, guys!" said the hawk, as he flew away with the limp snake. "Same time tomorrow?"

"Sure thing!" said the tit, waving happily. She turned to the parrot. "You know, we're getting better at this."

"Nah, the snakes are just getting stupider," said the parrot, sagely.

"That sparrow really is helpful! How does she know what to do? We never explain it to her!"

"I think she really is mad. So mad, in fact, that she convinces herself each time that the snake's tail really is a worm."

"Ha, ha! How sad!"