The following is an account of one of the greater evils in a man's everyday life. Very few men would be willing to admit this happened. However, it is funny, and this is a comic website. What has happened has since found itself near the top of the list of reasons that there is not just, kind and loving god. It is, in fact, proof that we live in the bowels of a cruel, human-loathing divine personification of a leach that feeds off of misery and chaos.
Let me begin by describing my bowel movements. My turds are large. Very large. I basically don't poop until my body produces something the size of a toddler. I take this as the reason that I am such a contented person. Like most men, the magnitude and duration of my satisfaction and contentment is directly proportional to the mass and volume of my stool. I am a very happy person.
And then I came to Germany, the land of demonic toilets. On the North American continent I had been deceived. I had been led to believe that, whatever the design and make, the basic shape of a toilet was universal. This is because, when all is said and done, the toilet has one function, and one function alone: to dispose of human bodily waste. The Romans knew that the most effective way to get rid of waste is with water. The inventor of the toilet knew this as well, and hence our toilets are designed such that the waste falls directly into water and awaits to be flushed away. It is the universality and common sense practicality of this feature that makes us so satisfied to hear the plopping sound of a good deed being done.
But no, that's too good for the Germans. The Germans excel at all things swine. They drive like swine, they eat like swine, and if swine could speak, they would speak German. This even extends to their hygienic habits. So, when the German inventor looked at the toilet for the first time, marking the gentle balance of form and function that, like many household objects, had slowly evolved over the centuries into a practical, and dare I say, elegant creation, he thought to himself, "How can I make this suck?"
The subtle change that he implemented is so simple that it could be called beautiful, if the resulting creation was not, indeed, an abomination. Six inches. It took only six inches to destroy one of the greatest inventions mankind has ever seen. The hole, through which shit and piss must pass, was moved six inches forward to the front of the bowl. Taking its place is a shallow, porcelain shelf.
I am willing to give the Germans the benefit of the doubt and assume that the design is meant to save water. It is a noble goal--and it fails miserably. It fails for two reasons. The first is that one must flush the Teutonic toilet after every use. I can hear them now, "Eww! Gross! You don't flush after every use?" No, I do not, and for the conscientious among us not flushing after every use is a good habit to get into. It saves water. No one needs to flush after every use, unless you are a racehorse. And, no, the toilet doesn't need to begin to smell for one to save water.
But saving water is impossible with the German abominable snow-toilet. That little shelf of porcelain means that one's pee is not mixed with a few cups of water, and therefore diluted. If you never knew, pee begins to smell when it reacts with the air and changes its chemical composition. Water means that the pee reacts more slowly, and the pee takes longer to smell. But the Teutonic toilet shelf means that your pee is left in a shallow puddle at near to full concentration. The shallowness and lack of water means that your pee has a greater surface area that reacts with air, and your pee begins to smell within a matter of hours. The end result is that you must flush if you don't want your toilet to end up smelling like a toilet, and instead of flushing maybe two or three times a day (maybe more, depending on how many people use the toilet and how long they're at home), a household ends up flushing 6 to 12 times a day. That's a lot of water, even if your toilet is modern.
And shitting is even worse. With the German toilet, the turd is deposited onto a porcelain shelf. Turds stick to porcelain, if you have never noticed. That is an undeniable fact. And without being able to float into water, the entire turd is left to sit and stick to your toilet. In the best case scenario, the turd flushes with one go, leaving a long brown streak that must be brushed away. In the worst case scenario, the turd doesn't flush after three tries, and you end up using the toilet brush to push the turd into the hole and
then flushing.
That, in itself, should never happen. The people who sold you that toilet should be put on trial and punished severely. No one should have to do more work beyond wiping and flushing. Sometimes it may be necessary to spray something into the toilet to make it smell better (usually after a night at the carnival).
It gets worse. My mammoth turds tend to be very long. In a a normal toilet, the turd breaks the surface of the water while it is still being pushed through my sphincter. In the German toilet from hell, the turd is laid slowly in a spiral, like soft-serve icecream. This is the setup for a disaster.
Imagine, if you will, you are walking through a forest, and you bare witness to the felling of a mighty oak. You stop to watch as the great tree teeters hesitantly on one spot, slowly begins to lean in one direction, and then comes racing down with an earth-shattering crash. In mid-fall the top of the tree brushes the lower branches of its neighbors, sending off a fluttering shower of leaves and loose bark to be scattered by the wind.
Now imagine that this mighty oak is a turd, and the lower branches are your testicles. That's right, what I am saying is that a turd fell and brushed the bottom of my balls. That is to say, the top of the turd smeared agains my lower scrotum.
That should never happen. THAT SHOULD NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN! Why did it happen?
Answer: the German throne of Satan. With the all-American toilet, the water gives way to the turd and the turd falls straight down. Sometimes you are inconvenienced by a gentle splash of cold water meeting your rectum and sending a shiver through your nether regions. But even this has a positive side, because the water makes it that much easier to wipe.
Porcelain, however, does not gave way to the turd. In fact, the German toilet is a good demonstration of how two objects cannot share the same space at the same time. Instead, the turd ends up swirling, and, when it falls, it falls sideways. Against your balls.
No man should get shit on his testicles. That should not happen. There is no god.
